Random Catness

I really try to keep my inner cat lady under wraps.  Occasionally, I just have to talk about my stupid cats.  Malcom, that's the pretty boy on the top, is a lovable pain in the ass.  Radnar, the orange kitty on the bottom, is the best cat I've ever had.  They keep me from climbing the water tower and starting a genocide.

Malcom (AKA Mal, Mally, Malfs, Maliburton, Malibu, Mowler, Malfurs, Murderface Murderface Murderface, and more recently Malfeasance) has decided he knows how to use a keyboard.  He'll climb on my lap while I'm editing in Photo Shop and then pushes buttons.  I don't always know how to fix the things he's done, so I end up starting over.  Then he pats my face with his paws while mewing and purring at me while a swear at him in six different languages.  That's one of my hidden talents, I can swear in English, French, Spanish, Cantonese, Japanese, and Gaelic.  In fact Malcom just started chewing on my camera's USB cable and I told him diu lei lo mo.  You don't want to know what it means.  It really doesn't help, the only thing that does is cuddling him up into a little kitten ball and telling him how pretty he is until he falls asleep or leaves.  He weighs 14 lbs., this is no small feat.  I mostly swear at him in Cantonese though because I think he might be Asian.  He really wants to give everyone he meets a full mani-pedi and facial with his sandpaper tongue.

Radnar (AKA Fatty Raddy, Agent Orange, Orange Surprise, Toilet Kitten, Drinker of The Forbidden Waters, Scabby Tabby, Mellow Yellow, Stinkerton Von Schmeltz, Vesuvius Dangerkitten, but mostly Rads) is easy going and pretty hilarious.  You may wonder why so many of his nicknames are just a little disgusting, well, he's a little disgusting.  You may have gathered that he likes to drink from the toilet, not just any toilet though, the guest bathroom toilet.  I catch him all the time since he learned how to open the door himself.  He just stares at you with his cat arm hanging over the bowl like "Why ya gotta be a playa hata?" when you try to shoo him out.  Then when you are in there doing your thing he tries to stick his paws under the door and talks to you in a series of howls and chirps.  Indeed.

His other famous move is to snuggle up on your lap and go to sleep (also a 14lb. cat), which isn't so bad until your legs fall asleep or he pulls his other amazing stunt.  He is the only cat I know that farts out loud.  Hence, Stinkerton Von Schmeltz.  Not cool Raddy, old boy.  Scabby Tabby is a little less obvious, mostly because you can't see his tail in this picture.  He got it caught in something and broke it, half of it is now dead.  The vet says to be patient, eventually it will fall off.  Now there's something to get excited about.  Even though he's kinda gross, he's my little buddy.  Rads loves hanging out with you, and unlike Malcom he doesn't get all up in your business.  When I'm having a rough day Rads will perch up on my computer desk and do his version of cat stand-up until I laugh.  I don't get the jokes, be he really sells it.  So that's what is going on behind the scenes when I do a photo shoot for you or your family.  A lot of what my mom calls "Cat Badness" or "Random Catness."