Much Too Much

I don't have a picture today, but I have a lot on my mind.

I find myself right on the edge of insanity lately.  I'm as busy as I want to be, but not so busy I'm feeling pressure from that.  I love teaching guitar lessons and taking pictures for people.  That's working pretty good.  What is really eating at me is a little hard to define, but I'll take a stab at it because I think it is on a lot of other people's minds too.

I'm having a lot of trouble communicating with people anymore.  Almost like everyone else is shooting bullets and I'm throwing them.  Not in that I can't write a coherent sentence, or call/text someone on the phone, visit with my friends/family, send an email, update my facebook status, or make an entry in my blog, but more in the sense that I don't feel like I'm connecting at all.  People acknowledge that I'm speaking, but I don't think they hear what I am saying.  By the same token, people are talking at me all day, and I can't tell if I'm supposed to take the stuff coming out of their mouths seriously.

I don't think it's because our "smart phones are making us dumber," or that social networking has made us lonely and isolated.  You don't get to blame things on your parents or the public school system (aka, the donkey corral) either.  I'm sure some of you have heard me say that when everyone else is the problem, the problem is most likely you.  This is where I am at.  I've decided the problem must be me.

I do try to make a conscious effort to really listen when people are talking to me (at least I think I do).  I try not to judge what people are saying, but all I have to understand it with are my own experiences.  I try not to fix their problems either--that's a good way to lose friends and create enemies.  When I speak I try to be direct without being hurtful, and I'm working on keeping my mouth shut.  It's a process.

However, I'm inclined to think that this problem isn't all me.  I can't take all of the responsibility for everyone else's poor communication skills, lack of self esteem and emotional immaturity.  I can't fix it either and it's starting to wear on me.  I like solutions, even if they are hard, time consuming and costly.  So far, I haven't found an acceptable fix for this that doesn't involve cake uranium.

The main reason it gets to me is that I can't run away from it.  I try to play my guitar to relieve the pressure, but it just gets faster and angrier until my fingers bleed.  I try to take abstract or nature pictures, but I lack focus and all of this negative energy will not create anything satisfactory.  I write, and by the time I'm done with this particular piece I will be wound so tight that sleeping pills and pain killers are only going to take a little of the edge off.  I find some solace in my religion, but people are the problem and going to church tends exacerbate my frustration.  I love music, but it doesn't help, it only confirms my worst fears.  Exercise is something I do so I won't get any fatter, period--I don't get a high from doing it.  Anti-depressants haven't worked either, so don't suggest it, and rose colored glasses (hiding it under a rug) give me headaches.  Also, I don't drink anymore, I've never done illicit drugs, or ones I didn't have a prescription for (though I'm starting to see their appeal), and I don't sleep around.

So where does this leave me?  Hell if I know.  Am I a hateful embittered mess?  No, I love individual people and I like helping them; I actually do have the option to be a recluse and not interact with anyone and I've chosen not to.  I guess sometimes you just get tired of fighting the good fight, and maybe that's where I'm at now.  I'm tired and I'm losing it.  Will I get a second wind?  Probably.  Should I get to have online rants about it, yeah, I think we all have that right otherwise the interweb really would just be a large conduit for porn.