Day 18 & 19 of Penny

There are lots of wonderful and inspiring quotes out there to live your life by, and you could pick a different one everyday with no problem. The ones I really enjoy though are given by people I actually know, the kind of one liner that can be applied many times over and still be awesome. Sometimes they are an inside joke, and sometimes they are funny no matter who you are. I will share a few with you, enjoy.

"Actually, it's a Chevy" Given by my cousin Clinton when he was four years old, and I asked him if he rode over to our house in his dad's work truck. This one comes in handy more often than you'd think.

"...With sand" (make a pounding motion with your fist). JD Flitner, not sure when, not sure why. We use it in conjunction with anything that sucks. There is a bit more to it, it's pretty much a mono-log, but if you were going to use it correctly and discretely you would say something like "The transfer case went bad on my pick-up. Six States charged me $2200 with sand to fix it."

"Grandma, did you cut that with a Sawzall? Lon Pritchard, during one of grandma's many remodeling projects gone awry. It can be used whenever someone has done a sub-par job. What's funny is that it has caught on in the Bridger Valley, and I heard someone unrelated to me or the incident say it the other day. Solid Gold.

"And then somebody died or something" Jaycee Felkins age 4, as part of a story about her day at the dinner table. Now whenever someone in my family is telling a story and we realize it is boring to everyone around us we will add "And then somebody died or something."

I think the best one comes from an old cowboy I know, Marty Watkins. The roof of his barn had just blown off, and it was no surprise to anyone. It had been going to happen for decades, and Marty is the kind of guy who doesn't fix something until it's broke, and doesn't get very excited about it when it does break. He just looks around and says "Well, I guess we'll have to do like the Indians did...without."

On a side note, I do have a picture of me from 10 years ago, and I do want to share it. I am having struggles with my scanner, so it will be at a later date. I'll probably add all of the pictures that I am supposed to share in an album of sorts at the end of this exercise.

Day 17 of Penny

When I feel sad, this is my go to show on YouTube. Pete & Pete was not the most popular show of all time, but it was cool. Not only that, but my brother was a little bit like Little Pete. It was so indie and offbeat, how could you not like it? Well, I suppose there were lots of people who didn't like it. I still maintain that this is the most genius programing available.

Day 16 of Penny

I have been dreading and anticipating this for 16 Days; and even though this is a little early I have the strength right now and I think I can do this without going berserk. A letter to someone who hurt me recently. I haven't allowed anyone to hurt me in a very, very long time. I might get upset, and angry, but it passes quickly with no real personal damage. I warn you this is going to get very ugly and very personal. I feel like I need to do it to get over it, and I think it might help several of my readers too. You don't have to read it if you don't want to, I'm not going to be censoring anything.

Dear Grandma Pat,

I don't know if I should thank you or kill you with words. I can, you know, kill someone with words. You taught me how. My earliest memory of you is you telling me you would throw me out the window of the truck because I was crying. I know I was to young to understand what was going on, I don't know why I was crying before you started to say this, but I know why I was crying afterwards. You bitch! I could not have been more than 3 or 4. Who says that shit to a little kid? You were mean enough that I believed you, I remember that.

I should also point out that there were not many permanent things in my life. Because my mom cared enough about me to send me to church, I was being taught that family was the most important thing a person can have. For the most part, my family is amazing, I have a huge network of people who are very dear to my heart. So, because I cared about you because you were my family, I allowed myself to care what you thought. You used to pit me against my cousins and other family members. So and so is really good at this, they are amazing (I refuse to use their names, because you were manipulating them too), but you never had any praise for me. I did really well in school because I liked it. We're talking straight A's here. You never noticed. I was weak and stupid and you never missed a chance to let me know this.

I got in my first "girl fight" around 3rd or 4th grade, I don't really remember much about it, but I remember the girl ended up changing schools, and that I didn't get caught. Things snow balled after that. I got meaner and meaner, and I could manipulate other students, teachers, and kids in my neighborhood pretty well. They put me in the Gifted Class at school because I don't think they really knew what to do with me otherwise. By the time I moved to Wyoming, I had a pretty nasty-sweet little routine. You dropped of the face of the planet doing God-Knows-What, and I entered a period of my life where I was running the show and things didn't seem too bad. You occasionally got your digs in, and had succeeded in alienating me from all of my Pritchard family. You taught me not to care about people or what they thought about me.

Then came Grandpa's Cancer. This taught me what hell is going to be like. It felt like you honestly enjoyed this. You got to lord information over all of us, and used it like sparks in an already too dry forest. My dad and his brother and sister where obviously very distraught and emotionally spent. You worked this as often as you could to start battles over who cared the most, and who should inherit what, and to drive Aunt Sis even further away and into addiction. The whole time Grandpa was on oxygen because he was dying of lung cancer, you smoked. Hell, I think you smoked more because you though it might kill him more quickly, or more painfully, or who freaking knows what goes on in your head. When it was finally over, I thought maybe the hold you had on us finally broke. That maybe my dad would just walk away from the perpetual train wreck of his family and we could move on. We did for a while.

I'll never forget the day I learned you would be moving to Fort Bridger. I was stupid and young enough to think that I could have a relationship with you. I was going to church and trying to be a better person. I knew I needed to stop bullying and manipulating people around me. I had learned that general nastiness and a mean right hook were not solving any of my problems. It only took you a couple weeks to prove me wrong. You somehow insinuated yourself into my social scene. You were manipulating people I knew--let's not kid ourselves, you were buying beer and Lord knows what else for my buddies. I didn't realize how out of hand this got until one of my friends let me know that you were trying to bribe him to go out with me. I laughed it off, and split the cash with him.

I had a pretty nasty little spiral and things got all jagged and rough edged for a while. You lost control though, shortly after this you had your first heart attack. It was a little too late in coming for me. I let you screw with my mind again, and I had cut off ties with all my normal nice friends, broke up with the incredibly nice guy I was dating by screaming at him that he "Was the most boring pain in the ass I'd ever met!" in the hallway just before 3 hour. I'll never forget how sad he looked just before 4th hour when he asked me if we were still going out and I laughed in his face and said "What do you think dumbass?" I then went on an attention getting spree that really climaxed my Senior Year of high school. I treated people terribly, I used and hurt some of my very best friends, learned to abuse alcohol and others, and I finally figured out how to get to you. I cut you and The Family out of my life. My relationship with my dad is strained and awkward to this day.

After bottoming out one night, I sort of cleaned up a little when I moved away from home. I got married, to a nice guy, by accident (I won't get into the details or reasoning of this, but I think it may be the only thing that saves me). I ignored you, and was able to cut you almost completely out of my life until you had the courtesy of getting cancer yourself. I knew you were going to die. I was even a little bit giddy thinking about it. For as long as I could remember I would look in the mirror at my face searching for anything that might resemble you; hoping to God I wouldn't find anything, and loathing anything I thought did. Finally you were going to be gone, and I was going to be free.

I got my brother out of school, and drove down to Sanpete to see you one last time. I don't know what I thought I'd get from that. You were completely high, and drinking a beer in your underware when we showed up. Aunt Sis greeted us at the door (which was the most shocking thing that happened that day). She promptly disappeared, which is like a super power she has developed over the years. We chit chatted, you couldn't really remember who Seth was, and then you passed out and we left. Two weeks later you did go ahead and die.

I thought maybe then I'd get my shit together and put the past behind me. After all you taught me that love was a trap, and anyone who knew you cared about them could use that against you. It wasn't working, and I was loosing my grip on things. Then for reasons known only to God and Aunt Sis, she turned up at my folks house and declared she was ready to get clean. Damned if she didn't do it too.

I learned a lot about mental illness and addiction. I learned we have a long and sordid history of Bi-Polar Disorder, Addiction, and Manic Depression; at least on your side of the family. Alcoholism is strong on both sides. This was maybe the most freeing thing that ever happened to me. I learned that a lot of the shit you put us through over the years was not even really under you control. Sure, you might have been eccentric and mean in your own right, but a lot of it was the mental illness. You were so far gone, and for so long that you were too crazy to know right from wrong. I learned how to recognize what was going on with myself and how to control it a little.

I was at a crossroads in a lot of ways as this point. I realized that I had nothing and no one to get back at for all the angry wasted years. For one, you were dead. For another thing, I could not reconcile punishing someone who was not in control of themselves. Because of my beliefs about life after death, and what happens in the time in between that, I believe things have probably changed dramatically for you. I pray you are making the most of it, pretty often actually.

I've taken control of who I am because of this. I have tried to right a lot of the wrongs I have committed over the years. I quit blaming outside forces for the way I feel. I've gotten my faith back. Most of all, I've started caring about others and letting them into my life with no strings attached. Because of that I forgive you. Completely. I have forgiven all the others who were manipulated by you that have hurt me. I'm thankful that in a way you gave me a thick skin, and the ability to not be hurt (or shocked) by people and the things they do.

Formally, and forever I forgive you. You can't and won't hurt me or us anymore. After this purge, I hope I think about it even less. Someday I hope to forget. My kids will never know about any of the ugliness. I'm not passing it on. I will teach them what I know about what I call "Keeping Your Head Clean," and that getting treated for mental issues is not embarrassing in anyway.

With Love,

Penny

Day 15 of Penny

I've been on a fruit roll-up kick lately. They are Berry Berry Cool. None of the other things that I've eaten today would photograph well, and I don't plan on eating anything awesome later. I do love Greek Gods Yogurt, and I'm thinking that I'll have some of that and some blackberries later.

There is a two part reason that I am a colossal fat ass these days. 1. I have had a roller coaster year with my health, and I was on steroids for months. 2. When I'm stressed out I eat like a pig trying to make weight for fair. Work and health issues stressed me out like crazy and frankly I was a little depressed too.

Lately, I've not been hungry much and I don't eat a whole lot when I am hungry. I think I've got a handle on my health, and I've eliminated the stress of my Benedict's job. I did not realize how much that was mentally weighing on me until I left. I feel like a different person, and I really like me. I'm starting a Fat Packing regiment as soon as the weather breaks. Hiking is a great way to loose weight. I plan to combine it with healthier food choices and I think that by my birthday in September I should be back to my ideal weight.

Day 14 of Penny

The most fascinating person I have ever met? Well, I don't know who that is honestly, but I do get a kick out of the Dos Equis commercials. They remind me of my friend JD.

If I'm honest, I try to remember small details and little things about everyone I meet. You never know when these things will become important, and it gives interest and depth to your relationships. I'm the kind of person who remembers how my friends and acquaintances order food and drinks. I pay attention to the types of shoes they wear, and I soak up any details people tell me about their lives. Where was their favorite place to play growing up, what is their favorite song? Do they love or hate sea mammals? Do they like fry sauce, and if they do, do they like it with pickle bits in it?

I don't have a whole lot of preferences when it comes right down to it, but I do like to see other people happy. I like to try and give objective observations when people ask me, and advice if they want it. I'm not necessarily a chameleon, but I'm the most neutral color you've ever seen (really look at a picture of me, I'm mostly beige). I have friends from all walks of life, and I take pride in actually knowing real things about them. I may be terrible with names, but I can remember whether or not you are an AC/DC fan.

I suppose this is how I learned to fit in and cope with moving a lot. I'm fascinated by the world and people around me, and I want to be a part of it. Usually a minor background role, but part of it none the less. Ask me a minute detail of your life, if we've ever actually hung out, I can probably answer it.

Day 13 of Penny

Day 13 = 5 Men I Find Attractive

Rockers of course! I believe that if you care going to have a crush on someone you have no intention of ever actually meeting they should not only be hot, but also have some kind of super power. The following guys are hot because they are amazing at what they do, and some of them actually are hot too. There are many, many more rockers that I find attractive, but these are the ones that made the short list. Click on the charts to see the hotness breakdown.

Tom Morello, Rage Against the Machine, Audioslave, Lead Guitar

Tom Morello just plays the guitar in the same way that Picaso just paints. Sure he's a little nerdy looking, and he is way into liberal activist movements. This can be overlooked because when he picks up a guitar, magic happens. I don't think its all drugs either, the man is brilliant and that makes him super hot.

Chris Cornell, Soundgarden, Audioslave, Lead Vocals

As you can see from the Chart Data on Chris Cornell, he has a very balanced hotness that makes him a total package rocker. If you've ever seen him perform it is like he is baring his soul on stage in an almost religious way. Very, very hot.

Tre Cool, Green Day, Drummer

Tre Cool is the guy you hook-up with and pretend not to know the next day. He is an amazing drummer, and for that alone he is hot. I'm afraid he is way too popular with tweens and young teenage girls, and that is why I would not own up to being with him. Also, he seems to suffer from a severe case of ADD and he has a lot of money. So, he'd be the kind of guy that bought a baby giraffe and then tried to bring it home in his Bentley Flying Spur. Physically attractive, mental repellent, totally doable, so not a long term relationship, probably followed by an ugly period of text messaging and freaky voice mails.

James Hetfield, Metallica, Lead Vocals, Rhythm Guitar

James Hetfield is a bad romance waiting to happen. He is a Rock God, he is a car guy, and he has this gravely dirty quality about him that you can't quite put your finger on, but it is incredibly hot. James is not necessarily a good looking man, in fact he's a little white trash. I still dig it, and if you ever listen to Metallica late at night with the lights off, you will want him too.

Jimmy Page Circa 1972, Yard Birds, Led Zeppelin, Lead Guitar

I have seen his named spelled both ways on the internet, and could not find my Led Zeppelin Album cover to see which was correct. You might not care, but I did. Anyhow, British Rocker, master of his craft, Satan Worshiper. He's a freak, with a brit accent. It's hot no matter how you slice it, but you would need a time machine to hook-up with him. He's a washed up nasty old man now, and while he is still talented, I wouldn't get with him currently.

Day 12 of Penny

I felt that my highs and lows would be best presented in graph form. As you can see last February and March sucked, I was in and out of the hospital with my Chrone's Disease. I got on new medicine and things improved greatly over the summer months. October came and brought with it Hunting Season which is a total pain in the ass, and brought on extra stress and frustration at work. Things improved with the holidays, but I was sick an awful lot which kept the numbers from reaching normal ranges. That ladies and gents, are the highs and lows of my last year.